When talking to someone on their deathbed, offer simple, heartfelt words like "I love you," "I'm here for you," and "Thank you," focusing on presence, reassurance, and sharing memories rather than trying to "fix" things; allow them to lead, listen to their needs, and let them know it's okay to express any emotion, ensuring they feel supported and not alone.
The three classic "magical phrases" to comfort someone dying, popularized by personal accounts, are: "You will not be alone," "You will not feel pain," and "We will be okay," offering presence, relief, and reassurance to both the dying person and their loved ones, while other deeply comforting words include "I love you," "Thank you," and "I'm here with you".
How to Say Goodbye When Someone You Love is Dying
You could ask questions about what they are experiencing. Or gently assure them, in touch and tone, that they are safe and you are right here. Don't promise to come back unless you will. Say what's true: that you love them, or are praying for them, or are thinking of them, and that you are glad you visited.
Lead With Empathy and Care
The "hospice 80/20 rule" refers to a Medicare requirement mandating that at least 80% of hospice care must be delivered in the patient's home (residence, assisted living, etc.) for comfort, with the remaining 20% potentially in inpatient facilities for acute pain or respite. A separate, newer 80/20 rule from CMS for Medicaid requires 80% of payments for Home & Community-Based Services (HCBS) to go to direct care worker wages, aiming to improve caregiver pay, though this has sparked industry debate over its impact on access.
Speak soothing words
Here are a few examples of phrases from this article from Renaissance Funeral Home and Crematory that mean the world to friends and family who are suffering an impending loss: “I love you, always.” “I'm here for you, no matter what.” “You're not alone; we're in this together.”
Understanding Compassion, Comfort, and Communication
The three C's of hospice care are Compassion, Comfort, and Communication. These elements are essential for delivering effective support at the end of life, where each plays a pivotal role in enhancing patient and family experiences.
Things to Say to Someone Grieving
Brief farewell: short goodbye messages to colleagues.
Psalm 23:4 “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.” Philippians 4:7 “And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Try to treat someone who is dying as normally as possible and chat about what's happening in your life. This makes it clear that they're still a part of your life. Avoid talking in an overly optimistic way, for example, “You'll be up in no time”.
When talking to someone in hospice, avoid platitudes like "everything happens for a reason," false hope ("you'll be fine"), minimizing their experience ("at least they lived long"), making it about yourself, or pushing your religious beliefs; instead, offer presence, listen without judgment, validate their feelings, and focus on their needs and memories. Don't say "I know how you feel" or "Be strong"; say "I'm here to listen" or "I'm so grateful for our time".
The top 5 hospice regrets, famously identified by palliative care nurse Bronnie Ware, are wishing to have lived a life true to oneself, not working too hard, wishing to have expressed feelings, regretting losing touch with friends, and wishing to have let oneself be happier, highlighting themes of authenticity, balance, connection, and emotional honesty as crucial for a fulfilled life.
Other studies and experts have a slightly different take, citing the most common time as 6 a.m.—8 a.m., or even peaking at 11 a.m. But the truth remains that there is a definitive pattern of a high percentage of people passing away in the wee hours of the morning or middle of the night.
Four essential things to say to someone who is dying, according to palliative care experts, are "I love you," "Thank you," "Please forgive me," and "I forgive you," as these phrases offer profound connection and closure; other crucial additions include sharing positive memories, expressing presence ("I'm here"), and allowing them to guide the conversation about their feelings and needs, often validating their emotions.
Synonyms for "deepest sympathy" often center around condolences, compassion, and commiseration, with strong alternatives including "heartfelt condolences," "profound sorrow," "my deepest regrets," or phrases like "my thoughts are with you" and "I'm so sorry for your loss" to express sincere care and sadness for someone's suffering.
Examples
What shuts down first when dying? As a person enters the final days or hours of life, one of the first systems to slow down is the digestive system. Appetite decreases significantly, and individuals may no longer have the desire—or ability—to eat or drink.
The hospice payment update includes a statutory aggregate cap that limits the overall payments per individual that may be made annually to a hospice. The finalized hospice cap amount for FY 2025 is $34,465.34 (FY 2024 cap amount of $33,494.01, increased by the FY 2025 hospice payment update percentage of 2.9%).
Potential Goals of Care
Cure of disease. Avoidance of premature death. Maintenance or improvement of function. Prolongation of life.